Red Planet Day Party

There are many ways a houseboy goes above and beyond the call of duty each and every day to demonstrate his commitment to civic minded domestic enthusiasm. For example: I like making the rounds each night to be certain all the alarm clocks are tuned to Spanish language Christian radio with the volume turned up loud so that everyone in the house wakes with a healthy and thoroughly disorienting fear of God. I also go the extra mile by documenting any and all mentions of Coca Cola products in the media. Then there is being certain there are plenty of brand name mountain breeze scented dryer sheets around. Well, actually, that one is clearly stated in my employment agreement. Finally, there is always more polishing, dusting and wiping things.

Yes, lots and lots of wiping.

Though perhaps the strongest statement is one a houseboy has the opportunity to make whenever the head of the local space exploration committee asks for a volunteer to accompany the neighborhood astronauts on their latest probe. That statement is of course “Let me pack a bag”.

I know that you are probably saying to yourself, “They shoot houseboys into outer space, oh do they? And monkeys fly out my water filter.” But it is true. In fact, as recently as Monday, there were houseboys cueing cds for Red Planet Day parties on Mars. Which just goes to show how far houseboys can come in space if given the chance. Why, it seems only yesterday we were hanging around on the International Space Station for incomprehensibly boring stretches of time without even cable television, waiting to let the realtor in.

It is much more civilized than that now. There is even digital satellite audio on most of the interplanetary jumps. If you ask me, though, that is a waste of money — save your money, houseboys! — since most seem to opt for total sedation for the duration of the trip.

Which reminds me that while there is a lot I could say about advances in space medicine, there is not room for that here so I will simply remind you that if you choose chemical stasis, be prepared. When your astronaut commander awakens you for re-entry, you will find yourself with a minimum of six months beard growth.

Bring clippers and lots of mouthwash.