We watched this colorful film about how to take a bath. It took us three nights. There are many reasons to like it. Some of which are: Udo Kier as a father who returns from the dead to raid the fridge. A song by Sparks. Geraldine Chaplin cracking a whip. Typographically frenzied odes to silent films. Volcano justice. And flapjacks used as a breathing apparatus.
Quick-witted Luke Skywalker takes advantage of Darth Vader’s confusion when asked to explain the facsimile machine. Things get a little worse and a lot louder. Luke eventually manages to lock Darth in the conference room. Meanwhile, Leia or however it’s spelled, and Han make it past the gruff yet lovable bug-eyed security guard to help Luke. When they try to escape, Vader has shut off the elevators and they must take the stairs. A few flights down, Leah notices something odd about the staircase. It’s a trap! They run to return up just as the doors are closing and the stairs fall away. But Luke doesn’t get through. He’s there balanced on a ledge between the new precipice and the fire door. He bangs on the door. He almost loses his balance. He bangs more. He shout’s Laya’s name. “Leica! Leica! Leica!” Nothing. Just when it seems all is lost, a bug-eyed janitor opens the door. Luke finds Lia and Han and they rush to the heliport on the roof and fly away as the credits roll.
You know, the last time Matt Damon found himself stranded on an inhospitable planet, he was such a dick to the other astronauts who came back for him, I really think this time they should think long and hard before doing him any favors.
After watching back-to-back biopics for cosmologist Stephen Hawking and comic actor Cantinflas, details of the two ambitious films quickly blend together. My date and I finish our wine and make love with a newfound appreciation for both our motor and improvisational skills. Beneath the planetarium-like brick dome of our casita, atop a caster equipped houseplant stand, in contortions which look uncomfortable, we declare our passions for one another using only our left hands and the street slang of Mexico City delivered at a steady clip of five words per minute spoken in the robot voices of early 8-bit pornography.
Did you take Quiz One? Okay, now take Quiz Two. It is more or less the same as Quiz One, except it stops abruptly in what feels like the middle. Now, wait a year and take the second part of Quiz Two, which we’ll call Quiz Three, Part One. Do you still want to take Quiz Three, Part Two? Congratulations, you are The Hunger Games!
The people of a dying Earth are so weary of dusty corn chips, they could just cry. So they do. They cry and cry until they’re running out of air and are almost suffocating. Soon a jokey robot and a group of crying astronauts are crying their way through space and time in hopes of saving the human race even though there is no guarantee whatsoever they’ll ever be crying tears of joy when they are reunited with their crying families.
Girl Interrupted: Whether you like this film or not, it’s important to know that because this is a movie with Whoopi Goldberg in it, you can get credit towards community service hours for seeing it. Contact your probation officer for more details.
Girl Interrupted is all about how if you’re crazy or even borderline crazy or maybe even just disfigured, it’s kind of a cool gift because you have a special perspective that the rest of the world doesn’t have because it’s too busy dropping bombs and sending cute young men with really bad fake beards and moustaches to die in Vietnam.
Well, that is, it’s special until it’s time to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your life so that the movie can end all tidy and stuff. At this point, the unlucky hang themselves in their showers or get strapped in for lots of electroshock therapy. But the lucky ones get a kitty cat or, better, some good ol’ tough love from a wise nurse (guess who!) and lots of paper and pens and voiceovers.
People keep saying this movie is a “Cuckoo’s Nest” ripoff, and that’s just wrong. Angelina Jolie wasn’t even in that movie. Besides, when she does eventually suffocate Winona Ryder’s character with a pillow, she does it as feisty A N G E L I N A, not as a mute Native-American.
So by all means go see it. Or you could just go get the help you actually need and want.
~ Today is the first day of the rest of you life! ~